Klingonberry sauce

[bnewman]

Every time I walk past the lingonberry jam at an IKEA store, I make some kind of joke about "Klingonberry jam", and then I try to figure out what would be in it. This time, I remembered that we do have something in our spice drawer that's actually labeled as Klingon — Auntie Arwen's Klingon-in-the-alley hot jerk seasoning.

Yes, I've been trying to figure out how to make Klingonberry sauce for years just because it makes a good pun. It's also really, really tasty — I tried it on pasta with fake textured-protein "chicken", but I'll bet it would be at its best on real poultry. Considering that lingonberries are a lot like cranberries, this stuff may be making an appearance at future bird-carcass-family-occasions.

Comments

qagh

[thnidu.livejournal.com]

qagh

(spelled "gagh" in Federation Standard)

authentic qagh

(from Memory Alpha)

Gagh was a Klingon delicacy made from serpent worms. Although most Klingons preferred it live, it could be served stewed or cold as well.

Many Humans tended to find gagh unappetizing, though both William T. Riker and Jean-Luc Picard claimed to have developed a taste for it, and Julian Bashir occasionally enjoyed it. Allegedly, the actual taste of gagh was revolting and it was eaten solely for the unique sensation of the gagh spasming in one's mouth and stomach in their death throes. (ENT: "Sleeping Dogs"; TNG: "A Matter Of Honor", "Unification I"; DS9: "Melora", "Inquisition")

kosher qagh

Peel a large piece of fresh ginger root.

Cut it into strips about 1/4 inch square in cross-section and as long as feasible.

Mix unsweetened cocoa powder with cold water, 1:1 by volume IIRC, to make a very thick paste. You have to add the powder, which is rabid somewhat hydrophobic, to the water a little at a time, breaking up the clumps and stirring and crushing them (I use a fork) to make, eventually, a very thick, dark, sticky syrup.

Immerse the ginger strips in the cocoa syrup. Be sure each strip is thoroughly coated with the syrup.

Voilà! Pungent, bitter, messy, and kosher parve. I think even real Klingons would enjoy it, although they would insist on pointing out that this isn't real qagh, just a Vegan imitation.

[matt-rah.livejournal.com]

Just remember that the Klingon word for "delicious" also translates as "the violent killing of one's enemies".

Re: qagh

[orawnzva.livejournal.com]

That could do it — it's at least strongly enough flavored to put off the typical human, even if it is made of vegetables. I'd probably like it. Many other variations could be imagined — How about shoestring-cut hearts of romaine lettuce coated with asafoetida? Add fermented anchovy sauce and it'll still be parve, if no longer vegetarian. A better vegetarian qagh should probably involve plants, or parts of plants, not generally considered food, preferably naturally slimy.

A fleishig qagh (and a Klingon meal should certainly at least be fleishig) could be made from beef tendons, separated lengthwise like string cheese. That would result in a satisfyingly... unexpected texture, and, really, it's all about the mouth feel.

[orawnzva.livejournal.com]

But of course. Have you tasted this spice mix?

Klingon-in-the-alley isn't quite finely divided enough, but when I look at that jar of powdered wasabi (and yes, it really is wasabi), I always get this urge to blow a pinch of it into someone's eyes. Thankfully the impulse usually passes quickly.

[gorgeousgary]

Has anyone actually written "Klingon in the Alley" ttto "Bully in the Alley?

(If not, feel free. I have enough half-written songs to finish...)

[sheistheweather]

Sounds delicious!

[orawnzva.livejournal.com]

Oh, hey, that's that tune!

I don't think so, but Klingon-in-the-alley is in fact an update of an earlier spice blend of that original name.

[ladymondegreen.livejournal.com]

I was thinking of that too.

[batshua]

Your icon brings me great joy.